John McCain VS. a Mummy

With the election just over a month away there are more questions floating around than answers. Last weeks debate didn't shed much light on any of the real issues and all of the uncertainty on Wall Street isn't helping the situation.

Personally, I think it's time that at least one issue is settled. As you may already know, there are many similarities between John McCain and a mummy but which one wins in a face off? Check out John McCain vs. a mummy.

On Use of Medical Supplies
John McCain: At the age of 72 his medical needs could put Medicare out of its misery.
A Mummy: Goes through crazy amounts of gauze.
Advantage: John McCain

On Worldly Possessions
John McCain: Has too many houses to count.
A Mummy: Has a nice tomb filled with lots of historic artifacts.
Advantage: John McCain

On Political Career and Influence
John McCain: American soldier who became a United States Senator.
A Mummy: May actually be an Egyptian Pharaoh.
Advantage: Tie

On Choice of a Bride
John McCain: Cindy McCain
A Mummy: A Mummy Princess
Advantage: A Mummy

On Scariness as a Halloween Costume
John McCain: More ridiculous than scary, although somewhat scary.
A Mummy: Pretty scary.
Advantage: A Mummy

On Physical Fitness
John McCain: Can't raise his arms up past his shoulders.
A Mummy: Can't raise his arms up past his shoulders.
Advantage: Tie

On Starring in Movies and Television
John McCain: In multiple television commercials, both praising and criticizing him.
A Mummy: The Mummy Trilogy
Advantage: A Mummy

On General Evilness
John McCain: Member of the Republican Party.
A Mummy: Unnaturally rose from his sleep to take his place among the undead.
Advantage: John McCain

On General Awesomeness
John McCain: Not awesome at all.
A Mummy: Eddie from Iron Maiden RULES!!!!!!!!
Advantage: A Mummy

Wow, so it was close but in the end John McCain couldn't quite pull it off. If he can't even beat out a mummy how does he expect to win against Barack Obama in November? Think about that.

The Winner: A Mummy

President Bush Addresses Nation on Financial Crisis

Earlier tonight, President Bush addressed the nation concerning the Wall Street financial crisis, telling the American people just how fucked they actually are.

“Really fucked, REALLY fucked.” Said Bush, as he read off of the teleprompter. “I mean, you guys are REEEEEALLY fucked..........”

After the speech, President Bush was seen securing his assets in Middle Eastern oil futures.

Senator Obama Speaks to the Masses

Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama traveled to the land of Coral Gables, FL. to speak to his people regarding their day to day afflictions. As he spoke, he promised relief from the evil and tyranny that has plagued the land for the past eight years.

“Blessed are the middle class, for they shall have tax benefits. Blessed are the women workers, for they shall have equal pay. Blessed are the unemployed, for their numbers shall decrease. Blessed are the blue-collar workers, for they shall have job security. Blessed are the college students, for they shall have tuition for school. Blessed are the 401k plan participants, for theirs is the kingdom of retirement.” said Senator Obama as he spoke to the multitude.

After the speech, many of the multitude were seen flocking toward Obama in an attempt to be in his presence. One woman in attendance instantly received a raise at work when she managed to get close enough to touch the hem of his Brooks Brothers garment.

Richard Wright Finally Makes That Great Gig in the Sky

See ya when we join you there.

Senator McCain Reveals Plans for Health Care Package

Today Senator John McCain unveiled his plan for a health care package in front of a crowd of supporters at a rally in Podunk, MO.  According to McCain, the plan would cover all Americans and would be implemented immediately upon him taking office if he were to win the presidential election this November.

"Americans need a health care package that is within reach of everybody and not just to those with insurance." McCain said at the rally.  "My health care package will be available without you even leaving your house."

The health care package, which would include a box of band aids, medical tape, a tube of disinfectant ointment, a bottle of Tylenol, as well as several pairs of surgical gloves, would be mailed out to recipients in waves based on the last two digits of their social security number.  According to the plan, once supplies in the health care package were depleted, recipients could replenish the package with store bought supplies that could then be stored in the handy, dandy carrying case the health care package would be arrive in.

Mr T Endorses Presidential Candidate

In a move meant to unite A-Team fans nationwide, Mr. T has finally endorsed one of the presidential candidates.  The below statement was released earlier today.

"Hey sucka, I pity the fool that don’t vote for my man.  He’s the real deal.  You know who I’m talkin’ about.  That fool.  At the convention.  Who gave the speech.  Not that other fool.  You better vote for him.  Or I might come knockin’ at your door.  You don’t want that.  Fool."

Mr. T

Check it, the Maroon Bells

Here’s s a few pictures from the trip I took this weekend to the Maroon Bells wilderness area well as a mini trip report. 

South Maroon was probably the most hardcore mountain that I have climbed to date and it’s reputation as one of the more deadly mountains in Colorado is well received.  Anyone attempting to summit this mountain will encounter steep, loose scree fields that never seem to end, cliff bands made up of rotten, crumbling rock, and a maze of cairns that litter the upper half of the peak, making them almost useless in one’s way to the top.

I felt strong the entire climb and was surprised at how fast I made my way up the first half of the mountain.  I read that most of the first half was mostly class 2 but almost everything I encountered was closer to class 3.  Once the introduction was over and I hit the rock cliffs, the route finding began.  Working my way across the southeast ridge involved a frustrating traverse where elevation was repeatedly gained then lost until South Maroon’s summit buttress was finally reached.  At this point I ignored all of the cairns and just worked my way up the mountain.  Working my way up, every hand and foot hold used had to be tested before placing any significant amount of weight on it.  Eventually, I regained my position on the southeast ridge and regained some confidence as the summit finally presented itself.  A quick hop, skip, and a jump later (about 30 minutes of hopping, skipping, and jumping) I was standing at the top.  Woo hoo.  There were two points in the climb where I had to change my shorts and they both happened on the way down.  The first of which being when I decided to take a short cut down a gulley that looked doable until I was actually inside of it.  Knowing I had no business being where I was, I did a traverse along the side of the mountain to work my way back to the south side.  This cliff traverse was narrow and filled with loose rock.  Any mistake here would have meant a one-way trip to dirt town by way of a 500 foot or so drop.  When I finally reached the end of the cliff traverse, I had to do about a 30 foot down climb Stallone: Cliffhanger style.  The second close call happened moments later when I went a little too far down another gulley filled with a bunch of scree garbage that completely fell out from underneath me.  I slid about 15 feet and only stopped when I was able to grab onto a rock that was solid enough to support my weight.  Good times.  I eventually got back on the right path and made my way down the mountain relatively unscathed.  Once I was safely back at the campsite, I boiled up some water and destroyed a serving or two of Nissin Cup O’ Noodles before crashing out.

The original plan was to summit North and South Maroon as well as Pyramid Peak, but with the loss of both climbing partners, I was only able to knock out South Maroon.  I gave a good go with Pyramid Peak on Sunday morning but couldn’t find the trailhead and in blazing my own trail ended up on the wrong side of the amphitheater.  Since I couldn’t figure out how to get to where I needed to be, the decision was made to call the climb.

It was a fun climb and I’m glad I was able to summit one of the bloated beasts in the Maroon Bells wilderness.  There’s two more mountains waiting for me back there and I will be back to attempt both of them.  Montoya out.

Area residents were in attendance and seemed to welcome visitors with open hooves.

Spectacular views were the name of the game all weekend long.

Me destroying it.

John McCain Stays Up Past 6 P.M.

Last night, in a move most people viewed as impossible to pull off, John McCain somehow managed to stay up past his 6 o’clock bedtime to address the crowd and accept the party’s Presidential nomination at the Republican National Convention.  The crowd paid close attention and seemed unsure how to react as an unassisted John McCain slowly waddled to the podium, but soon erupted into unbridled, enthusiastic cheers as they watched McCain stand behind the microphone, rambling on and erratically shaking his fist.

Before the appearance, many delegates were pleasantly surprised to see Senator McCain trolling the hallways of the convention hall without the assistance of his Hoveround personal power chair.  The senator appeared in good spirits and even took the time to enjoy an Enfamil formula shake with several of the older delegates in attendance.  The night did not go off without a hitch, however, as later in the evening Senator McCain was overheard accusing Cindy McCain of stealing his pills.  The misplaced pills were eventually found safely tucked away in his diaper bag.

Vice President Palin????????

So Governor Palin addressed the Republican National Convention last night and, from what I saw and heard, she is a feisty individual that doesn’t give up.  Her and Senator McCain might give Senator Obama and Senator Biden a run for their money.  If she is successful in her bid for the Vice Presidency I certainly hope she keeps a diary to record all of the events that would transpire during her time in office.  She could publish these memoirs as a testament of her accomplishments to all of the American people.  Think of the possibilities………..

 

The Vice President Diaries

A short story by

Theo Montoya

 

The footsteps making way through the White House were careful, making only the occasional crunch on the floor, but a lifetime of living in the Alaskan woods had trained Vice President Palin’s ear well. The White House seemed large and empty. She figured her prowess wouldn't do much good against the five or six secret service agents stationed around the corner. She decided to slip past the unwanted crowd to the back entrance of the oval office. The agents out there weren't intent on her presence. And what was to happen was inevitable.

A soft knock came at the oval office door, a sound President McCain might have missed if he'd been asleep. It had begun. He quickly slipped from behind the mahogany desk with a grace that belied his height and firm build. Silently, he raced across the room to answer the call. In seconds, he was at the door, waiting for what was on the other side. Not bothering with a light, he pulled the door open before another knock came, though Vice President Palin’s hand was already raised.

A patch of Vice President Palin’s pale shoulder showed through the tangle of her hair. He would have touched it if he hadn't feared startling her, but he didn't want that. Once she was in the office, once she saw what he saw, once this moment started, their lives would be changed. He didn't know how he knew that, but he did. A part of him had been waiting for this moment, fearing it since the Republican National Convention -- and it wasn't just the fear and excitement of being caught, the idea that because one woman had once dislocated his hip, this one would, too.

"We need to veto that legislation," Vice President Palin said in an apologetic whisper, with only the smallest jut of her chest toward the silhouette in front of her. "It won’t meet our agenda."

President McCain swallowed. A veto was serious. "Why not?"

She started to explain.  Go to her, cried a silent voice, but he remained inert. Barely breathing, he listened. The minute went by. Then two. They inched their way closer, then stopped. Their bodies went still.  Finally, President McCain could take no more.  With the same authority that had won him the election, he grabbed Vice President Palin and threw her on his desk.  As he started to peel off her clothes...............

 

Bloggers note:  I was going to post this story in it’s entirety for everyone to read but in keeping with the family friendly atmosphere I’m trying to establish here it will only be made available via email to adults over 18 years of age.  To receive the rest of the story* go to http://www.barackobama.com/index.php and register with the website**.  Be sure to indicate your age and the amount you wish to donate.  Upon receiving the registration confirmation, forward it to me and I’ll send you the rest of the story.

 

*There is no rest of the story.

**Don’t go to the website and don’t register anything.

Joe Lieberman Has Chosen Evil

Following in the footsteps of Judas, Benedict Arnold, and that wizard in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Joe Lieberman has finally chosen evil. As he gave his speech last night at the Republican National Convention, Gollum, I mean Joe Lieberman aligned himself with the Republican Party, despite the fact that he is a registered independent and that he still caucuses with the Democrats. Now I can’t say that I actually watched the RNC last night or even bothered to check out his speech online but I know exactly what he said.

He spoke of a ring, a ring so perfect in size and strength. Forged in the deepest, darkest dwellings of Mordor, it would be the ring to rule all rings. It would be his precious. He spoke of the battle for this ring, his ring, and how he would let John McCain borrow it for four years should America decide to make the biggest mistake it could possibly make this November.